Could you spare a

[redlum]

moment

Hi, Im currently developing an idea and presently I have three ways of telling this story. The one below is the way which I think works the best but I just need some opinions. The story is practically drafted but Im finally trying to get it down. It's difficult to get a feel for something thats only really half-baked, I know. But I'm going for a Wonder Boys type thing with it, I just want to see if others have any interest.

Thanks.

****************

Title. THE ROYSTON COBB.

The following voice over, over a series of corresponding flashbacks. Intercut, with various shots of a golf shop.

Royston
Isn't funny how someties, events transpire that create the illusion of solving a problem. When all they really do is create new ones that distract your attention from the old . Dilema number one, at a boring dinner party, the night previous, a friend was showing off his latest piece of golfing memoribila he'd spent thousands for on ebay. In a quiet moment, while I sat alone munching on stale bread sticks, I swiped the clubs and smuggled them into the back of my car. Today I sit here with the item in front of me, wondering what ever possessed me to steal it, like some jealous child. But then comes dilema number two: I've just recieved word that the man to whom I owe just uner ?10,000 for providing the capital for my golf shop: Clinton Culwell, is being released from prison. He'd attempted to intercept a securecor delivery to a bank armed with only a junior hacksaw to sever the chain. After 10 minutes of furious sawing, the police arrived. You've got to admire his determination. But thats about all you could compliment him for; I fear how he might react now he knows I dont have the money. He's known to be quite hostile towards people in my situation.


Int. royston cobbs golf shop - day
Royston is sat at the counter pricing some items, when hockey kid enters suspiciously. They continue to exchange glances, as Royston watches his every move around the shop.

Royston
You know our special offer today is a free ride in a police car for every shop lifter.

Hockey kid
Huh?

Royston
Aren?t you in the wrong shop for a ?skater?

Hockey kid
What?s this?
The hockey kid holds up a golf club.

Royston
That - is a sand wedge.

Hockey Kid
Hmm. Pretty Cool.

Royston
Yes it is. In fact Tiger Woods himself used this very club, on the pro links 97 tournament. Came in handy on the fifteenth hole when he ran into a spot of bother...

Hockey Kid
Ok. Hold it. Listen I?ll be honest with you because I?m in a hurry: I don?t really like Golf, I play hockey. I just wanted to get my parking ticket validated for free. I?m just playing the friendly consumer. So would you, please?

Royston Cobb
Who told you we validate for free? Whats his name, I want it.

Hockey Guy
Im not going to tell you.

Royston Cobb
Whats your name.

Hockey Guy
Im not goin to tell you that either.

Royston
Uhhuh.

Hockey Guy
Look can you just validate my ticket. Please?

Royston
Well. You?ll have to buy something first.

Hockey Guy turns away and looks around the shop. Eventually he comes across a basket of golf balls and picks one up and puts it on the counter. After much sighing and hesitation, Roy starts up the cash register.

Royston
That?ll be a pound please.

The transaction is made and the Hockey Guy leaves.

That Moment, the phone rings.

Royston
Yeah, hello Royston Cobbs pro golf shop here.

Conversation cut between the shop and Clinton Culwell's abode.

Clinton
So you really dont have the money yet.

Royston
Clinton, listen...

Clint
Royston, please call me Clint

Royston
Ok, as I was... you can call me Roy by the way.

Clint
Ok then.

Roy
Ok. Well I really just dont have the money. Its taken awhile to build a steady base of customers. In fact I just had a guy in here buying a whole outfit. He'll definately be back.

Clint
Im sorry Roy. This isnt acceptable, really. I understand that you're trying hard but I have a reputation to live upto. There are certain retributions I must make. Your car...

Roy
Oh not my car.

...

*********

[emjen]

Good dialogue. The opening was quite nice, but it will be better if you also say WHAT we will see on screen with them intercuts.

A golfclub owner in debt of a criminal? Hmm...
Can you post some more? This is still a bit too vague.

[Curtin-Parloe]

Its better than anything I've read on triggerstreet so far [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

The dialogue is good, but perhaps more action lines in between? Show us what they're doing when they're talking...

BTW, you keep changing the characters names. It's only confusing when you read it slow [img]wink.gif[/img]

Paul

[redlum]

Thanks for your responses and taking the time to read, emjen and cp.

Im not sure I want to put too many actions in because I dont want be controlling the actors to much (for those who stick to the script anyway).

I've never noticed I was changing the names. I just lovethe name Royston Cobb. Its a real name I saw somewhere, and thought I'd right a story about that person.

Emjen, I dont want to go into too mch detail. But thematically, its about thinking and acting like you were when you were a kid....I think//hope

[emjen]

thats sounds pretty cool. Although I can't really see what this opening has to do with it.

Post more mr Redlum. You could even mail it to me. I remember your last script I read and that was pretty good too.